Demons and Cheezy Puffs

Tuesday night at the Shaffer Shack was full of thrills.
The Monkey woke at 10:00p.m. and proceeded to wail and scream and contradict herself for two hours straight. (up, down, up, down, momma, dada, momma, dada) Finally, on the third offer to sleep in the big bed with momma she acquiesced and passed out from sheer exhaustion.
I feared the worst…Night Terrors! Yes, as described by other parents they are the demon spawn that creep into your home and stealthily leave with your beautiful baby that slept through the night and replace it with a party animal night owl toddler.
So on Wednesday morning momma whined to her other mommy friends about the evil that lurks in the 2nd bedroom upstairs. Momma complained that she should just buy her own Dunn Bros and pay for the staff because it would be cheaper than buying it by the gallon. Momma whined to the therapist that she was an inadequate parent that couldn't comfort her child.
Then momma learned on Wednesday evening that daddy had let the little monster eat a whole canister of baby cheesy puffs before bed on Tuesday. Momma realized she is married to the demon spawn that robs her of her beauty rest. Momma made that demon support her caffeine addiction this morning.

Drowning in Exhaust Fumes

I’m exhausted. I have yet to pin down whether it is physically, mentally, or both. I’m sure the physical is an absolute. Chasing after an 18 month old monkey for a week straight is enough to put anyone into a constant state of exhaustion. To all you stay at home mommies out there…Kudos…I have no freaking idea how you do it. Even with the constant flow of coffee and espresso coursing through my veins I barely kept up with the two foot monster.
It got to the point I insisted on writing her a check for all the personal training. We swam, we walked, we ran up stairs with the 30 pound monkey clinging to the front of me; we down ran stairs with the 30 pound monkey on my shoulders pulling my hair as though it was a bridle and reins; we ran stairs with the 30 pound monkey shrieking in my ears that she needed a banana fix now dammit. And you know what really pisses me off…that I still managed to gain weight on vacation. All of the delicious food on the cruise found a new home on my hips. Why hello dessert, you’ll do just fine over here on the right buttock…Welcome!
As for the mental exhaustion…yeah, I’m certain there’s that too. Have you ever entertained a toddler on a plane for 3.5 hours? I have, with help, and I still thought about jumping. Planning flights around nap time doesn’t work either. OH Momma...I’m too excited to sleep!!! Instead I’ll bounce off your lap, to Dada’s to Gamma’s and back again. Snack. Snack. SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Book. Book. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK! Mom, mom, momma, momma, MOMMA, MOOOOOOMA!!! Aaaaaaand FIN.

Torn to Pieces

As a mother there is the constant battle of whether one should stay home with the children versus going out into the working world to be a career woman. The pull of little hands and giant sobs on the left; the pull of personal success and a second income on right. Every day the two hands try to balance; every day one outweighs the other.
As women we of course are our own worst critics. If we go to work we think of all the milestones we are missing. I personally want to be there for the first time Tess stubs her toe and screams “Dammit”. My heart will swell with pride that she’s been watching her momma so closely. On the other hand, the feedback for my desk job is so much more rewarding…some days…especially payday.
Constantly the battle of whether the paycheck should be sacrificed for the reward of time spent watching the development of a little human being versus the lesson to our daughters that they too can be anything they want to be when they grow up. It’s impossible to make the “right” choice. It simply doesn’t exist in a neat little box upon the shelf. The wrong answer for one is the right solution for the other. Each child is so unique in their needs that you may meet the requirements of your first born while depriving the second.
What’s most frustrating is that as mothers we have turned against our own. The two sides: stay at home moms and the working mothers. Each side staring the other down, criticizing in their minds, “Oh how can she stand it!?!”. Whether it is “how can she stand being at home all day wiping boogers” or “how can she stand being away from her babies”. Then there is the other side of the coin. The working mother who wants to be home and the mother at home who misses her career. I look for an answer but I only find more questions on how to balance my roles of wife, mother, daughter, and self. I eventually give up, pour myself a glass of wine, crack open InStyle magazine and think “Oooo! Shoes!”. Now I remember why I really have a job.

A High Tech Xmas

I was reading one of those lists of “Best Gifts” for the holiday season. Today’s happened to be one for the hi-tech savvy individual. But when I got to this little honey I busted a gut and sprayed a fair amount of disbelief in the form of saliva all over my computer screen. What is it you ask? Why…A cordless wine bottle opener.

To view it in all its wonder check it out on Amazon.com if your really "Giving".
http://www.amazon.com/Waring-WWO100-Cordless-Professional-Quality/dp/B0026YQCB4

Why the sopping wet disbelief you ask. Because I already own a cordless wine bottle opener and it didn’t cost me the original price tag of $99.99

Modern Technology

Christmas is still 17 days away and I’m already exhausted from traveling. Yes, I admit it has only been one trip so far, but the drive across Minnesota to South Dakota is not only long, but also boring. At this moment however, I would like to take a moment and thank the person who invented the portable DVD player. Without it I would not have been able to watch Snow White two times on my way to SoDak. Nor would I have been able to start the movie UP six times on my way back to the Twin Cities. Without it, I would not have had a happy baby who was mesmerized by the beauty that is modern day cartooning enhancement re-released for a limited time.

“OMG…Dwarves are sooo funny!”
I would also personally like to thank my hubby and his innovative mind that converted our portable DVD player so that it could become one that attaches to the headrest.

Why yes, that is a bungee cord in canary yellow
Truly, I am grateful for being a parent in the modern day. It is so much easier to look back to see my zombie baby being content instead of fighting with the dog over her side of the seat. This will really help with the 5 million trips we have planned to Wisconsin over the next 3 weeks.

Free Shipping

I have a business proposition for UPS/FEDEX/DHL, whichever one chooses to jump on this money making idea. I’m gonna be rich I tell you…RICH!
Now, I’m not sure which one of you already have a line of business that is used to ship live cargo but here is an opportunity to expand upon it.
BABY SHIPMENTS!!!
Yes, I think this would be much more cost effective for the holiday season. Let’s admit it. No one really wants to see me and the hubz. They want the Monkey for entertainment. So, I’m thinking about all the money I could save on gas, food, and outings with the family if I just ship the kid to visit her relatives. I’m freaking brilliant, yet I somehow don’t believe that I’m the first to come up with this. I’m already drafting up the concept model for the shipment box. Air holes…yes apparently those are important. A little mat in the corner with a blanket, an auto-feed dish like cats use and a water-bottle like hamster suckle. Toss in a couple of toys and photo of mom and pops and wolah! Baby Shipment at its finest!