Monday, May 10, 2010

Happy Mother's Day from Dead

If you know me well you know I’m not a believer. However, once in a while a good horror flick will give me the creeps and make me think that ghosts are staring at me in shower. Sometimes I hear them saying “Damn, that lady needs to shave her legs and workout a little more”. I hate ghost, they’re so snarky.
On Sunday a spirit channeled herself through me. She said to my beautiful little monkey “Every day is Kid’s Day”. My head whipped around so fast that my neck still hurts. I thought to myself, “Oh my gawd, my mother is here”. Not only do I look at my hands every day and think, those are my mother’s veiny hands; but now she’s taken over my larynx and is spewing forth the quotes I loathed so much as a kid. When I start calling myself “Abbey Normal” and telling my daughter to “drink your milk so your ovaries don’t shrivel up” please check me into the nearest mental institution.
I won’t complain too much about all of her traits I’ve inherited. This oily skin is keeping me from getting wrinkles. I am also grateful for my big brain and mesmerizing eyes. However, I will admit that I am working pretty damn hard trying not to repeat her mistakes. So much so that the weight of it swings me to the opposite extreme, "hello new mistakes I didn’t see you coming". Is this a bad thing? Not so much. It has made me to be very self-aware and I work improve myself so that I can offer my daughter a safe place to fall; even if it does involve hugs from veiny hands and a quote from Abbey Normal.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Demons and Cheezy Puffs

Tuesday night at the Shaffer Shack was full of thrills.
The Monkey woke at 10:00p.m. and proceeded to wail and scream and contradict herself for two hours straight. (up, down, up, down, momma, dada, momma, dada) Finally, on the third offer to sleep in the big bed with momma she acquiesced and passed out from sheer exhaustion.
I feared the worst…Night Terrors! Yes, as described by other parents they are the demon spawn that creep into your home and stealthily leave with your beautiful baby that slept through the night and replace it with a party animal night owl toddler.
So on Wednesday morning momma whined to her other mommy friends about the evil that lurks in the 2nd bedroom upstairs. Momma complained that she should just buy her own Dunn Bros and pay for the staff because it would be cheaper than buying it by the gallon. Momma whined to the therapist that she was an inadequate parent that couldn't comfort her child.
Then momma learned on Wednesday evening that daddy had let the little monster eat a whole canister of baby cheesy puffs before bed on Tuesday. Momma realized she is married to the demon spawn that robs her of her beauty rest. Momma made that demon support her caffeine addiction this morning.